For writers, comedians and people who have figured out the answer to the greatest question facing humanity right now ‘Kya aapke toothpaste mein namak aur nimbu hai‘, India is like a wet dream. A potential goldmine for pure, unadulterated, original and hilarious content. The statements that our politicians make on a daily basis; the kind of debates that erupt on social media between groups of self proclaimed liberals, intellects, pseudo-intellects, atheists, non-atheists, right wingers, left inclined, mid-center-45degreetoeast-vastukehisaabsetheek-crypto-secularists; the kind of news that make it to the headlines, give more sexual titillation to pretentious writers like me than watching Tori Black making out with Lily Carter.
These days, to get my daily dose of ‘if you know what i mean’, i just browse through India’s favorite newspaper, Youporn.com, which is littered with videos like Sakshi Maharaj-BDSM-Sambit Mahapatra, amateur AAPtard hot nightout with BJP bhakt, PK supporter interracial or Nasty adventures of Sashi Tharoor. And that’s just on a lazy Monday morning.
So, it is obvious that with such eclectic taste, I nearly movie-gasmed when I saw the trailer of Messenger of God aka MSG. It featured Chewbacca (His Bollywood debut), dressed as Mithun in Disco Dancer, playing rugby, driving a Harley (What happened to Millenium Falcon?) bashing up people and crushing trees with his bare hands. Yeah, I know what you guys are thinking. How did Chewbacca manage to speak clear sentences in this movie? I think his speech therapist should have been hired by Yash Chopra, while he was still alive.
I was left heartbroken though, when I found out that it is not Chewbacca who stars in the movie. No, its not even a guy hiding under his suit. Its a human being, the real deal and his name is Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Ji Insaan, leader of a ‘religious-spiritual’ cult Dera Sacha Sauda. Now, I am amused at the choice of the word Insaan that he uses to establish his identity, so as to avoid the imminent confusion between him and Chewbacca and making sure that he is really but a mere mortal. This is the equivalent of Uday Chopra rechristening himself as Uday Wannabe Raj Rahul Chopra Ji Dumbfuck.
Fun fact: This particular cult, Dera Sacha Sauda, was started by a guy named Beparwah Mastana. I wonder how someone with a name like that would have convinced people to join his cult. I can totally imagine his recruitment drive conversation to go something like this:
Mastana: Hey, you guy peeing on the wall. You stressed out in life? Let me help you.
Guy: Like how?
Mastana: I have started an organisation called Dera Sacha Sauda. We, like, meditate and stuff. If you have problems like stress, dissatisfaction at your job, complicated love life, jaadutona, patni-sautan vivaad, shighrapatan, etc., come to us. Guaranteed positive results in 10 minutes. We are also handing out freebies like a yearly supply of Shilajit, free of cost, to early-bird registrations.
Guy: Cool!! What’s your name, again?
Mastana: Beparwah Mastana.
Guy: And I am Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. I work with United Nations and help frame economic policies of under-developed nations. I also opine on matters of global crisis like Angelina Jolie and her exotic baby selection.
Mastana: Are you fucking kidding with me right now?
Guy: You started it, sir.
A quick search on the Mr. Insaan revealed that he has close to 40-50 million followers, has released several music albums and has performed in over a hundred ‘rock-concerts’. One of his most popular song is called the Love Charger, and has lyrics like “I’m so lucky because you are my love charger…Billion battery when goes down, you charged up with love, so strong your power love, you are the love charger.” Just to be clear, this is not an advertisement for a vibrator.
Though the religious Guru believes that he is just a messenger of God and has been sent on earth to deliver HIS message to the people, he elaborates that he chooses to wear such garish, polka-dotted skirts and attaches Diwali light bulbs on his pubic hair infested body to connect to today’s youth. Now, unless he is popping hallucinating pills and has been living under a rock with Manishankar Aiyar, I can’t fathom which youth is being targeted. But then, the largest chunk of his followers are people from Haryana, where a guy is only allowed to make love to a sonogram. So, I see his point.
But what is the fun in being a religious guru without having some murder and rape case on you, right? True to traditions, he also faces several charges of rape, murder, and extortion. He upped his game by several notch when he forced nearly 400 of his followers for castration, which according to him, is a way to reach God. And guess what, each one of them did. They actually sacrificed their balls in anticipation of a glorious future that involved fairies whispering sweet nothing in your ears and a land where honey nectar flowed, because someone said so . So, yeah, never under estimate the power of a marketing guy. Case in point: Elections, 2014.
With all of this background, I had made all the plans to watch the movie, till I heard that the Censor Board aka VHP of Bollywood, has cock-blocked its release, citing reasons that it glories a person who is accused of murder charges. Really now!! They don’t seem to be having any objections to glorification of a similarly accused Bhai-who-cannot-be-named, whose idea of fun involves a Land Rover, some vodka and pavement dwellers. Censor board chief has also said that the film looks like an advertisement and some parts of the movie are not substantiated by logic. In a galaxy far far away, Sajid Khan is snorting stuff, pointing fingers and laughing, while writing the script of his new movie ‘Audience waalon, tumhari aisi ki taisi‘.
Well, I hope the movie gets released someday so we, the insaans, get to see Bling Baba performing miracles like taking a dump on the audience’s intellect. The movie would really be miraculous if no one, while watching it, decides to choke himself with that Rs. 300 samosa or stab his own face with Nachos. As for me, I will, for now, get to my daily dose of entertainment. I heard that in today’s Newshour debate, Arnab has called in Sambit Mahapatra, Sanjay Jha and Meenakshi Lekhi. That’s what I call, Wild Things: Foursome.