This blog is not in my budget

NDA government’s budget day was made out to be ‘That Awesomest day of your mortal life on which you will achieve Nirvana and also the space between the pink lips of Sunny Leone’ or as it is known in India, the suhaagraat fantasy. The budget was expected to deliver XXL size economic reform measures which would have propelled our country, with the escape velocity of Jupiter, on the path of development, progress, religious and social harmony and would have turned us into one giant superpower aka Mukeshbhai’s backyard.

However, when the D-day finally arrived, it resembled more like an actual suhaagraat; like a bride on her first night, who is expecting that when her before-somerandomguy-after-husband will flip out his dingaling, it will put to shame the combined length of ‘two-things’ of a black male porn star, only to be left disappointed because when he actually flips it out, it looks like a Tyrion Lannister of a Giant world. As the great Kafka once said, “Full KLPD ho gaya

Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on India’s economy as opposed to a lot of other scholars who discuss their original theories on this subject in international publications like Facebook, Twitter and Tinder. So, my ability to comprehend the budget and its overall ramifications is similar to a Pakistani cricketer’s ability to speak English. Also, while we are on this subject, I’m sure that though I haven’t checked, the graduation certificates of these scholars say ‘IIN, Haryana. BITCH’.

Yet, I do believe that the budget could have been better for people like me, who slog day in and day out, even for their most basic amenities like food and high definition porn. It could have been a little bolder and wiser, so as to put to ease the agonies of an aam aadmi. I kid you not, but by the end FM’s budget speech, I felt rejected, dejected and like Rahul of the Raichand parivaar, who was just told that he was picked up from the streets and will now have to make out with Daijaan. So much for the talk on Ache Din!!

Yes! There, I did it! I criticized something done by our holier-than-thou government, which is as much as a blasphemy in India as is questioning religion, using logic or telling jokes. So now, I’m waiting for Hedwig to arrive with a howler from #proudIndians that says, “FUCK YOU. We are offended. Now, we will file a case against you, have you arrested and put you in Guantanamo Bay, where you will play 50 shades of Grey with the Al-Qaeda.

Of course, reactions about the budget differ, depending on whether you are leftist, right-wing, gay or worse, from Chennai. For some, this budget has been a pinnacle of human achievement, unless they are living in Vidarbha, under a sink with the other six million Biharis. Now, I know what you are thinking. Are there people living in Vidarbha? Well, what to say. I was amazed as well!

Corporates loved the budget, as it remains faithful to the core tenets of Adam Smith’s capitalist economic theory: Equitable distribution of resources of the rich, by the rich and for the rich. Of course, members of the Congress hated it, but no one gives a rat’s ass to their opinion. So, let it be. The only thing interesting was their argument on why they thought the budget was abysmal, and I quote, “No provision for Rahul Baba for a ‘Visa on Arrival’ in Bangkok with a complimentary nuru massage.

My disappointment with the budget is that many things which I enjoy/do on a daily basis like eating out, watching movies, grocery shopping or taking lifetime membership on, becomes more expensive now. The service tax is raised from the current 12.5% to 14%. Add to that some Swach Bharat cess, a little VAT and 3 vials of Adani’s sweat. Lo and Behold! You have your wallet being set on fire by Ram Gopal Varma ki Aag. So much so that last night when one of my friend asked me to go for a drink, I gave him my most sane response, which was headbutting him in the face and then making him watch Humshakals.

The FM also increased the price of tobacco products, which has made watching Chai, Sutta Chronicles on YouTube, a much more expensive affair. I guess, if the hike in prices had come three years earlier, Mukesh from those good ol’ smoking disclaimer ads would still be alive, for he would have quit smoking due to affordability issues. On second thoughts, we might have lost him anyways, either to swine flu or for having beef. To be honest, I think this is a good move by the government. It will help people quit that dangerous habit of smoking cigarette and will encourage them to embrace positive things in life, like yoga and weed.

The other thing that was largely expected out of the budget was that the FM will put in place higher income tax slabs. These tax slabs are government’s way of categorising people into the super rich, rich and robert vadra’s slaves. People were expecting a raise in the tax slabs, which would have allowed them to save more money for things such as their child’s education in premier institutions like ISIS. Well, that went out of the window. To counter that, Mr. Jaitley has increased the overall deductions limit to Rs. 4,44,200. Now, if i take my paycheque into consideration, the amount i will be left with after deductions will be just enough to pay my hotel bills for 2 vadapav and 1 cutting chai.

There were several other important announcements in the budget like defense sector spending increasing by nearly Rs. 25,000 crore, corporate tax being reduced to 25% over the next four years, leather shoes below Rs. 1,000 getting cheaper and 2% surcharge on super rich with above 1 crore Rs annual income. My favourite one of course, that the government is looking for newer ways to incentivise the yellow metal, Gold. This means that we will finally get the answer to one of the world’s greatest mystery: What is the worth of Bappi Lahiri.

I am still not sure if the budget will help me in the long run and put me out of my miseries as many say, or will just turn me in Gollum into an everlasting search for ‘My Precious’. Right now, I can hear some noise outside my door. I guess that would be Hedwig with that howler which says “Happy Holi. Now, we will ban this blog.


2 thoughts on “This blog is not in my budget

  1. Oh man!! You know how to put together various snippets of everyday news and create a gestalt far better than all put together…
    Bappi da worth n headbutting n watching humshakals…IIN degree n Rahul baba visa…. Loads of powerful satire…!! Vidarbh ka aisehi le li…..:)

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