Independence Day 2015: Now playing at a theatre near you

My fellow countrymen, illegal immigrants living in my closet, Kashmiris and people from North East: Belated Happy Independence day!! On 15th August in circa 1947, at the stroke of the midnight hour, we got what we rightly deserved. We snatched our FREEDOM from the hands of the British, and handed it over to Nehru. So, this year, we officially entered into the 69th position year of independence. And in all these years, I think we have been, whats the term for it, Royally Screwed.

Since I was not around for nearly the first four decades of Independence, I should not form my opinions merely based on stories in NCERT history textbooks, to which Rahul Gandhi asked, “What’s NCERT? Is it in Bangkok?” But the more that I look around, the more I get a feeling that something is wrong in India these days. That Force is disturbed here. The Realm is shaken. That we are indeed getting fucked. Royally.

However, since it was a happy occasion for a lot of ‘Indians’, much like Friendship day or Shobha De, I would reserve my ala-da-critique-la-India for posterity. After all, we should not feel too bad about ourselves, especially on our independence day. Looking back, I guess this year has been quite decent thus far. We banned beef, porn, documentaries, Fifty Shades of Grey, logic, homosexuals, women and Maggi. Surely, ‘independence’ is being wildly celebrated in India, much like being a sanskari in Alok Nath’s family.

On the bright side, this year we did put up one of our finest performance at Wimbledon, with Sania Mirza winning the Women’s doubles crown. After which, the Supreme Court directed the Telangana Minister, who once called Mirza, “Aaye! Pakistan ki bahu”, to eat dog poop for breakfast and dinner for the rest of his life. Another good news came, when it was announced that an Indian-born, Sunder Pichai, has become the new CEO of Google. When my mother got to know about this, she had one question for me: “Pichai? Kaun sa caste hai?” Pichai’s story is a quintessential wet dream of a lot of engineers, who go to USA with a hope that in the land of opportunities, they would one day get what they came for: Gonorrhoea. I am sure that Pichai, with his accent to the top of the pyramid, has inspired an entire generation of graduates from Lovely Professional University, who were otherwise looking for motivation in sticky pages of Letters to Penthouse.

I remember as a kid, my Independence Day celebrations involved getting up early morning on a holiday, and then going to school, only to get lectured by the principal on “Why weed is the best solution to every problem in the world.” And then we would all get chocolates, milk cakes, and an opportunity to carry Radhe Maa in our arms. Alas! Those days are gone now. Now I have to worry about more important things on this day like, “Do I have sufficient stock of beer bottles”, because, you know #FuckinDryDay.

Talking about the celebrations, this year too, we indulged in some serious display of military might which involved Sunny Deol bashing up the Pakistani army, while mouthing patriotic slogans like “Lux Cozi… Apna Luck pehen ke chalo”. Then we had our Prime Minister, on top of the historic Red Fort, doing Gangnam style. This was followed by his speech, during which he pointed fingers at Manmohan Singh and laughed out loud. And then came the floats. This year I saw a new one among the usuals like the giant Vada from the state of South India. This one was shaped like a middle-finger and it came from the state of ‘Lalit Modi in the house. Buuuurrrrn bitches’.

By the time the ceremonies ended, people got so patriotic that they logged on to Facebook, and changed their DP to Indian National Flag – #MaatujheSalam. Other like-minded patriotic people liked their DPs and commented “India Roxxx….Pakis Suxxxx.. Do the Rexxxxx. Then all these patriotic men got together and watched Ek Tha Tiger on Zee Cinema and felt good about our national heritage aka Salman Khan.

Like every other before it, this year also had its share of controversy with visual flashing of name of Delhi CM’s name at some school function where he was invited as a speaker. When people raised objection to this on social media, he slapped everyone with a protest flyer and then tweeted, “Haan main alcoholic hoon. Haan main alcoholic hoon.”. Fun fact: When Kim Jong-un heard that, he went “Dude, that is like, totally badass!”

Personally for me, this Independence day was a bit of an emotional and philosophical conundrum. May be this was because I got married and I believe celebrating this day while being married is much like being a deaf kid in a Yo Yo Honey Singh concert. So, I remembered the lecture by my school principal on ‘why weed is the best solution to every problem in the world’ and decided to follow it with immediate effect. By the time the day ended, I had finally attained my FREEDOM.


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